This maybe should not be considered Stage 1 of this piece, since I’ve done some sketches in graphite to try to reconstruct Sonja as my childish memory could recall when I was about 12-13 years old, but this is the first one that starts to put the image in context for me emotionally/spiritually, and where my mind was trying to take me, I think. What has hit me about this, is that I am currently grappling with my own illnesses, that are now complicating each other, many cannot be corrected or cured, and I am trying to find a way to live with it, as well. I needed to understand how & why Sonja arrived where she did, what it meant for her, and consider what, if anything, I could learn and apply to my own perspective and mindset. It took me back to that time in childhood, when we were together for a few days at Grandmother’s house, and seeing each other truly for the first time.
We were each in our own personal prisons and lost souls, and I just felt that there was something really important that I was trying to remember and learn that had everything to do with what I was grappling with now, that seemed to be really connected, both then and now. Working on this journal page has helped me to uncover something extremely important that I really needed to get RIGHT NOW. I needed to get this clarified in my head to get perspective on my own health issues, self-esteem, choices, what I believe about myself around these things, what I can do, and what I want to do.
What I want to do is to keep my humanity and am invested in maintaining my connections to extracting every ounce of value from my existence for as long as I can, accept the things I can’t change in my health, and physical limitations and unpredictability, and making the most of what I have. That is not just a mandate to myself, but my belief about what I can do, and that will make me happy. The rest is just stuff, and I’ll deal with it as I can. I will do whatever I can to avoid depression and try my best to take good care of myself and stay as stress-free as possible.
Thank you, Sonja, for the lesson. I’m so sorry that life took you so far away from bliss. I always wished so much that you would get a break and be able to have a happier life. You didn’t fail; you just lost your way. Peace, Cousin; I will always love you.
Pretty Real Behind the Veil 