Archive for August, 2012






Unblinking The Moments

We are beautifully the same….thank you for the gift!

(from my backyard)


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If I can dream it, I can experience it!! Imagining, even after almost 4 years, is still sweet!! Terrifying, dangerous, thrilling to contemplate, to remember each time that I’ve thought, “Onward! Courage! The abyss be damned! If the world won’t come tomto the bubble, bring the bubble to the world!” The dream is no less beautiful…..

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No value have words

Beside a life lived by choosing to

Embrace life,as it comes, and love over labels …

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*A Moment of Your Time?

*A Moment of Your Time*

Perfectly on time, in and out, each has its own time,
As we arrive at a moment, it departs; a moment waits for no one.
It carried a gift for you; did you drink it in, or blink? It’s gone!!

I confess I was busy thinking in the wee hours this day, with my service dog Ben..moments only but the moments are all we really have, not yesterday or tomorrow, and that quiet sacred still time when I can just be there with it, the connection and energy is palpable!! And was intoxicating!! Not much blinking, just treasuring something better than drugs, booze, money, or even working legs and eyes!!!! If I still had my legs and eyes, would I have been feeding my soul with moments, like they were nectar of the gods? Would I appreciate moments as I do now?? Doubtful. I was always running. But instead, today, we enjoyed our time with the deer, possums, a raccoon, birds, a snake, and other creatures of the night!


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When I was a kid and my grandfather officially retired, I remember my grandmother fussing about him being underfoot, he trying to get his bearings with transition to retiree, and she trying to adjust to the constant presence and get her work done. It seemed silly to me then—why would it be a bother?? Free time…check. Income..check. More together time with loved ones..check, right? Isn’t that the rule?. Entanglement and disruption never crossed my childlike mind!

I failed to appreciate the perspective, until a) my husband retired a few years ago, and my solitude was gone, then b) more tangibly as I was looking at this nearly perfect metaphor for her problem: giving Ben extra lead to stretch and shake off the nightly thunderstorms, and the lead kept getting “under foot”..literally! That lead coming up between the feet of the wheelchair, can be crippling in the moment and frustrating, and illustrates the problem in a very concrete way that a child could have understood : how entangled and cluttered life sometimes gets when freedom and new paradigms force you to consider that even freedom, though it is a blessing and respite for many, still creates its own challenges in our lives and for those whose live we touch. Sometimes necessity requires adjustment to make it work for all.

Just about any major change and minor ones too, can alter the dynamics between partners–spouses, housemates, my service dog and me–living things connected/bound to each other. Changes that are part of normal life, though expected, can be disabling, sometimes unexpectedly and irreparably, like my marriage, like some kinds of disability, and that can throw everything into chaos. I guess the difference between me and most people is that I expect unexpected challenges, and realize that I can’t fix them all. Others may have to make peace with their own adjustments. Those things I have to let go of, but this situation, at least was doable. I find these temporary entanglements a bit annoying, the adjustments– challenges that I struggle to be patient with when I don’t yet know what they’ll be, but inevitably when they come, they are never really as frustrating or annoying as I think they’ll be.

This is the start of my day. Since the proper ramp is still under construction, I today again took my 400 pound wheelchair out the door and down the cliff face aka the temp ramp. It did not roll, but slid abruptly down the steep decline–more like a slide than a ramp, though not nearly so treacherous on the decline as the backslide with my diminutive frame coming behind it on the return, praying it wont crush me again!!

Let’s just say I’m beyond grateful to the Knights of Columbus in Durham, and the ramp that they’re building, and that they will have it finished in the next few days. And though I was not expecting my massive pink 30 year old azaleas to disappear from existence suddenly from my back deck within minutes–a shocker I’ll admit-they were nearly 20 feet tall– I am extremely grateful to the fencing company, who graciously are giving their time and materials to start installing the backyard fence for Bennie yesterday. It will keep him and me safer, and if I had to give up my azaleas for that, it is worth that! People with autism of any IQ can relate to the challenges of unplanned changes, especially from familiar things.

I have to say that my gratitude is expanded around the efforts of these good folks each moment and especially on such occasions, and in the interim, I continue to put my soul in the hands of the deity to watch over us while we risk all to live a little. It’s worth it. And that is a beautiful thing. Have a blessed day!

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“You look familiar, have we met?
You’re one I doubt I would forget ”
“We were connected long ago,
But why you left I did not know.

So many years have passed its true While I, alone, did wait for you.
Though I called often from the dark
To try to soothe my lonely heart.

I heard you speaking loud and clear, When I was was calling, did you hear? Your life you spent just chasing round
A clock that just kept ticking down.

Yet time did never touch my face Suspended in this timeless place.
Now I must speak, so listen now;
This truth you must embrace somehow:

You see we always have been one
You ran, but you weren’t really gone.
And for your journeys, chasing time
You’ve missed a lot by flying blind.”
“Now that I’m back, oh precious one,
We never have to feel alone!”

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Bigger than me, bigger than any problem…making space in this moment….thank you!

Life is but a dream!

From the beginning of my life
I have been looking for your face
but today I have seen it

Today I have seen
the charm, the beauty,
the unfathomable grace
of the face
that I was looking for

Today I have found you
and those who laughed
and scorned me yesterday
are sorry that they were not looking
as I did

I am bewildered by the magnificence
of your beauty
and wish to see you
with a hundred eyes

My heart has burned with passion
and has searched forever
for this wondrous beauty
that I now behold

I am ashamed
to call this love human
and afraid of God
to call it divine

Your fragrant breath
like the morning breeze
has come to the stillness of the garden
You have breathed new life into me
I have become your sunshine
and also your shadow

My soul is screaming in ecstasy

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This is what I’ve been talking about for ages, and this blogger puts it so well that I want to reblog. Lots of great info on C-PTSD here (part of my “menu” of dx)

PTSD - A Way Out.com

Neuroplasticity occurs inside us everyday as we encounter new experiences. On the right you’ll see several photographs of neural circuity in the brain. From the left the pictures show us the neural circuity of a newborn, then a 3 month old, 15 month old, and 2 year old. As the child ages, their brain’s wiring becomes increasingly more complex and interconnected. Neuroplasticity is what allows us to take our experiences, then learn from them and form new memories. Huge changes are occurring in the brain during these early stages of cognitive development, but the truth is that our neural networks continue to build on each other until the day we die.

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