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Posts Tagged ‘#WPLongform’

I really hate ever being forced to give in to collapse, even in the most difficult times. I’m one who usually sees a glass 2/3 full in any challenged situation no matter how bleak it may seem but sometimes God proves like this week, that I also have human limitations on seeing the gifts in the throes of enough obstacles and illness.

I have tried to remember when I feel really bad and in bad pain or sickness or when smacking a brick wall that by stepping back, resting truly resting, recouping my strength, I can see that my rules for tough times are still truth–>facts, and the rest, the negations I feel and express are fiction stories that only express what I am feeling now, and that the best thing I can do, no matter how necessary it seems to me or pressure from others to try to force myself to try to fix it right then, it is the worst thing to do 99% of the time, and if I push too far, I will fail, one way or the other, and make things worse for myself, maybe others too. It is a bad habit that, like many adaptations, began of necessity and enabled me to survive, and do extraordinary things, that seemed impossible to do, because someone’s safety or well-being, or my desire to do the right thing to help others who were counting on me, and little time to find easier solution, or fundamental justice demanded I stand up and ignore pain, fear, weakness whatever, to make the impossible happen.

And with a clear mind now, I know that a price must be and was paid for all of those choices to force myself to keep pushing on, not heeding the signs that I was risking damage/harm if I didn’t slow down. But when there is a higher cause, something greater than myself that requires it, duty, responsibility, honor, truth, dignity, needs of others, the emotional negative fear doubt expression is blocked out entirely, as is pain for that time. The gifts that I tapp in those circumstances don’t yield to the flesh only to my driven imperatives, never without cost–some immediately felt, others greater in the fullness of time yet to be written and experienced. Some bills have now come due, yet if it was for a greater good, I hear my mental stories as good and right and see the price as reminder of the good that it did, though I am truly now paying.

Though I know certain things about balance and letting go of unhealthy imperatives even temporarily, as necessarily true, or that clearing my head will enable me to find my way through problems no matter how forever things feel at the time, recognizing that I’m depleting myself but if it’s my need or plight that needs super-human strength, perseverance, and letting go, when that has time consequences, or would cost too much and not likely to succeed, I can’t accept, acknowledge or apply these rules that I know are always true for me, whether I wish I could or not.

For a few days recently, I could mouth those truths like mantras, over and over, yet they still felt false and pointless, meaningless and no longer applicable, and so couldn’t see through my fog or believe there was a healthier way that would yield better results myself that would alleviate my despair, which is quite rare.

So now, after sleeping for all fr 5 hours (marathon for me), I now remember the other thing that is maybe the most important self-talk truth, that I’m supposed to hold fast to, in the very worst of those/these times, enabling me to accept the truth that all of it still holds true and is a greater imperative which is:

A) your survival and function IS for a cause greater than yourself. If you fail to persist how can you create a grater good? What is happening right now, can fall apart and the world will turn and you will,still be better able to turn it around best if you get distance and rest from it, even if that means things fall apart more before,they get better.

B)when I feel really the worst, I might not believe that these things are the Truth, but that is not the meaning of what I think and believe really. It is just a form of expressing my pain and fear, yet to my literal mind, I am holding to,the literal meaning because that is intuitive therefore easier for a lazy brain to think. Non-intuitive things are much harder for a brain, take more energy and effort, and when depleted, it is effortless and easiest to fall back on habits, and then the brain renders maladaptive what was, in some situations, adaptive and effective at the time. To think actively of accepting and following the imperatives for self-preservation is a very difficult task, and not intuitive. despite kmowing intellectually that sometimes to solve a problem you have to leave it, the stakes and pressures from without and within that push me in the opposite direction, and there are consequences for letting go and backing off a problem at times, perhaps dire, if I don’t push forward, yet the alternative is more likely that options to mitigate I can’t see in the fog.

Yet internal imperatives must take priority over pulling on beyond capacity, even when there are consequences to setting aside when needed. If I am consumed now, in this moment, engulfed in fog, pain and despair, and the problem must be solved but cannot be solved just now, I must make available to me a message, generic, that can be perhaps be shared with others, like a beacon from a stranded vessel,, that I am still here, but in this state, have a problem, and imperative,there is some necessity that is demanded of me, but it is beyond my control to act as required, and ask for either a postponement for emergent reasons, or defer to others to do their best to step into my shoes in taking on certain tasks, leave what tools and info I can to enable them, and letting it go until I am more capable of taking up my sword again.

Sometimes it is stronger to give into frailty of body and mind to restore myself first. It is necessary to find solutions that will be more accessible to me, if I just STOP and let it go–through me and me through it–, and accept that my inner guide message is telling me true and still points me away from the wrong path so that I can see the right path after the fog clears.

The other messages are just a sideways way to express pain, fatigue, insecurity, fear and sickness–no more–it is deceptive, and blocks my vision, makes me disbelieve what I know is truth. The expression is not literal truth, but it is telling a different truth; it is just my body saying “I hurt, I’m sick, so I can’t think or see problems well enough to feel comforted or see that things will and always do change and get better, worse, better, come and go, like the tide.

Remember that I still tend to say, like a child, “I hate you/this/everybody,” but that’s not literally true either. I’m expressing by that, merely “I’m really upset about something so much that I can’t think of how to express that well in words. ” im a picture thinker, and under enough pressure or exhaustion or fear or pain, words fall away or fall apart. A little pain and fear can refine one’s focus, but when they are severe, they distort expression and perception. This is your absolute signal to STOP!!! Rest recoup restore regroup reconsider, then act!

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‘Network’ Analysis of the Brain May Explain Features of Autism: http://www.yaiautismcommunity.org/blog/?p=2088&noloop=1

Explains a lot for me… Why some things I can process in ways, measured and assessed by a number of experts, as extraordinary and beyond typical human potential–also called “islands of genius” – yet, I have other things that seem so easy and basic for others and they don’t even have to think about it, it’s intuitive, but will drive me into overload and meltdown, shutdown, or completely exhaust me, or takes forever –or never, for me to process. And I may not even ever notice the lack of connection of things that other people’s brains do intuitively.

Testing that was done by a pediatric neurologist when I was 11 showed that I had multiple mixed crossovers in my connectivity and dominance from head to toe functionally with no rhyme or reason or pattern to explain the mixed and non-aligned dominance features side to side. It made for a chaotic presentation they could not explain nor predict. They acknowledged they knew about the severe head trauma when I was five and the details about that, but still couldn’t explain the test results based on that alone. Of course they didn’t know that the more interesting stuff developed before I was born, of necessity and consequence, that set the stage, combined with what came after, that both saved my life when I did my humpty dumpty thingl, preventing devastating seizures, but later, became interfering gradually over time, now expanded and underlies loss of sensory function and tolerance. It’s like having this little bodyguard that’s overdoing his job, Like an adaptation that’s almost like an autoimmune disease because it’s attacking normal functions because conductivity is in small redundant connections rather than efficient ones.

Well, at least I’ve had a very interesting life, any way you shuffle that deck.. I have lived in interesting times. So who am I to complain? I was supposed to have died long before I could speak. Without that little alteration, Brenda would’ve been the first girl live birth! Lately, have had too many of the not so good days to keep a sense of humor about the downsides and the upsides and the ups and downs, But then one can’t always remembered to laugh about how ridiculously interesting one’s life is when sometimes it has crossed that tipping point of unbearable. Fortunately I do find my way back to it again and again kind of like a dolphin coming up to breathe, and find ways to enjoy the interestingness of it all for a while. Just have to remember that during the storms if I can, easy to forget it goes round– Nothing stays the same it always changes. Pray to wake up to a new day that’s easier gives a bit of respite and stay open to new things.

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    Every Child Has Known God

Every child has known God,
Not the God of names,
Not the God of don’ts,
Not the God who ever does Anything weird,
But the God who knows only 4 words.
And keeps repeating them, saying:
“Come Dance with Me , come dance.”

—“The Gift: Poems by Hafiz the great Sufi Master” translated by
Daniel Ladinsky

This was how I knew God since always, and how my heart still feels God’s presence, calling my heavy heart away from its burden and calling, “come dance.” The rest that is attributed to God, the names, don’ts, weirdness, confiscation –should it be in conflict with that perfect connection and bond, must be prepared to wait at the door, until they’ve reconciled themselves with the only unconditional acceptance and love that I have ever experienced and Who has never once abandoned me, then or now. This is the nature of my creation and my lifelong bond with my creator, and I trust that God does not err, though humans invariably do.

I have never needed a church or temple or mosque or any institution or any state or political power deified spokesperson to teach me that. My heart knew that before I had language. It was all I knew, and it was enough….simple and authentic. I yearn to clear away the clutter in my mind, be still, so I can hear, feel that connection, and dance again……

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Kali…..
….. is my petite cat’s name. Sundeep, my son, named her when he got her as a young kitten to spare her from an impending execution. Considering the circumstances, her name, Kali, is associated with a tremendously powerful and significant namesake, which I think quite apt, if not seemingly over- expansive for this diminutive in size, yet formidable huntress, and presence inside and outside our home since she arrived many years ago. She still looks so young!!

Yet from the vantage point of Hindu sacred writings, and from real life, it is obvious to them and to me, at least, that these bodies are mere vessels for each life using them for a time, and what we see as a simple little creature from the outside is often quite illusory, so who really knows what is concealed beneath her shell? Who am I to presume to know? Is this cat something beyond her corporeal existence? Most def, IMO, but who is to say with certainty what or who she is or is not? For all I know, I may have been enjoying the company of a goddess all these years, who was quietly sharing her time with me, which would make just as much sense, given the Goddess’ special qualities relative to time, life, energy and death ;-). Whatever or whomever she is beyond the shell, she has done these things nonetheless, and more!! Gifts come to me–do I notice properly? Have I lived in gratitude? Does my “becoming” reflect expansion of my gratitude? If so, then it perhaps was not a squandered gift, and perhaps will one day expand to a fuller measure that fills up most my remaining time and thought in my shell-leaving less room for the human frailties that come from suffering, weakness and fatigue of spirit and body, betrayal, insecurity, fear, and loss. One can only hope. I tenaciously persist in hopeful ambition that Iight continue to grow and learn and evolve and rise above these cages of my life, neither accepting nor rejecting self or other, but remaining open to possibility. Time will tell…

From Wiki: Kālī (Sanskrit: काली, IPA: [kɑːliː]), also known as Kālikā (Sanskrit: कालिका), is the Hindu goddess associated with empowerment, shakti. The name Kali comes from kāla, which means black, time, death, lord of death, Shiva. Since Shiva is called Kāla—the eternal time—Kālī, his consort, also means “Time” or “Death” (as in time has come). Hence, Kāli is the Goddess of Time and Change.

Although sometimes presented as dark and violent, her earliest incarnation as a figure of annihilator of evil forces still has some influence. Various Shakta Hindu cosmologies, as well as Shākta Tantric beliefs, worship her as the ultimate reality or Brahman. She is also revered as Bhavatārini (literally “redeemer of the universe”). Comparatively recent devotional movements largely conceive Kāli as a benevolent mother goddess.

Kālī is represented as the consort of Lord Shiva, on whose body she is often seen standing. Shiva laid in path of Kali, whose foot on Shiva subdues her anger. She is time manifestation of other Hindu goddesses like Durga, Bhadrakali, Sati, Rudrani, Parvati and Chamunda. She is the foremost among the Dasa Mahavidyas, ten fierce Tantric goddesses.

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What is D’ger to Me? I guess you have to go way back to the first Star Trek movie to get it, but replace V with D and it’s kind of me. And parallels in many ways my autobiography, except the resolution. Not sure I ever made it to that. But that’s okay I evolved into a different life form. I’m okay with that. Ok here’s the gist of it:
Star Trek Wiki: http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/V’Ger
First Star Trek Movie:

The V’Ger vessel

This Of course is not the Vger vessel of course below, but rather aspects of the “D’ger vessel” in the abstract:
scanned143.jpg
Nature: Vessel enclosed in energy cloud
Power: Twelfth power
Origin: Earth and Unknown
Diameter: Surrounding energy cloud diameter of two astronomical units, equal to that of the Earth’s orbit
Armaments: Plasma weapons
The massive entity that called itself V’Ger (also called Vejur or The Intruder) was one of the most extraordinary lifeforms ever encountered by the United Federation of Planets. It generated enormous levels of power and threatened Earth with destruction until it found a way to evolve.

The machine planet
V’Ger had an extraordinary ability to evolve. It was discovered that the evolution of this once simple probe into a complex, powerful entity began after it was pulled into a black hole shortly after leaving Earth’s solar system.

Voyager 6 emerged from the black hole in what was believed to have been the far side of the galaxy, and fell into the gravitational field of a planet populated by living machines. These beings found Voyager 6 damaged by its travels, and the identifying plaque attached to the probe’s exterior had been burned leaving only the letters V, G, E, and R legible; the inhabitants of the machine planet renamed the probe V’Ger.

These entities found V’Ger to be primitive, but of a kindred spirit. They discovered the probe’s simple, 20th century programming, “learn all that is learnable and return that knowledge to the creator”, and interpreted these instructions literally.

Reprogramming
Reconstructed through highly advanced technologies as a vast space-faring artificial organism, V’Ger was augmented with a three-dimensional data collection and storing apparatus magnitudes beyond anything previously known to Federation science. Likewise providing it with effectively immeasurable defensive and sensory capabilities, the inhabitants of the machine planet gave V’Ger the ability to fulfill its programming in a far more complete fashion than the scientists who originally built and launched the vessel at its core ever imagined.

Sentience
At the heart of V’Ger, the crew of the Enterprise found the ancient Voyager VI probe
While traversing the vast distance back to Earth, V’Ger collected data via its 3D imaging system, but it destroyed the objects that it encountered along the way. However, it accumulated so much knowledge that it eventually achieved consciousness and became, like its benefactors, a living machine. As a machine it was only capable of pure, cold logic with no emotion, but with its new-found sentience V’Ger began to question its own existence. It asked the philosophical questions faced by so many lifeforms: “Is this all that I am? Is there nothing more?” The answers, V’Ger decided, could only be found with its creator on Earth.

Threatening Earth
With the cloud just 54 hours away from Earth, Starfleet dispatched the only starship within interception range, the newly refitted USS Enterprise, to determine both what it was and how to stop it if possible. When the Enterprise arrived at the cloud’s coordinates, it determined that the entity had an energy output surpassing that of thousands of starships.

By assuming a non-threatening posture, the Enterprise was able to deeply penetrate the cloud surrounding V’Ger and begin to gather information. During this critical time, however, the starship was cut off from all communication with Starfleet. As V’Ger entered the Sol system, spherical energy “bolts” similar to those that had destroyed the Klingons and the Epsilon IX station, only vastly more powerful, were launched by the entity. The energy spheres proceeded into courses that would place them into equidistant orbits around the planet, at which point it was predicted Earth’s entire surface would be devastated.

Realizing it lacked the intuitive, irrational elements which allow Humans to deal with some complex, non-scientific concepts, it came to believe that only its Creator could help it to leap beyond logic. In order to obtain the answers it needed, V’Ger wished to meet and become one with its Creator. To this end, it sought not only to receive the acknowledged signal from the Creator, but to merge with the Creator.

But V’Ger had been reprogrammed to such an extent that it had come to think of biological lifeforms as an “infestation”, and destroyed any that it encountered. When V’Ger encountered the crew of the Enterprise, its confusion over its true nature was so great that it could not comprehend what it was told – that it had been created by the very organic lifeforms it saw only as imperfections that must be cleansed.

In an effort to meet its Creator, V’Ger refused to accept the pre-programmed transmission that would signal it to transmit its accumulated data. The probe burned out a relay connection, hoping to force the Creator to come to its heart so that they could merge. Realizing that the only way V’Ger would understand was to add Humanity to its experiences, Captain Willard Decker, who was deeply affected by the loss of Ilia, his former lover, sacrificed himself to become one with the machine lifeform. Decker rewired the relay connection and keyed in the final sequence of the transmission manually. This prompted V’Ger to begin transmitting its data, effectively merging with Decker and the Ilia probe, thus taking V’Ger to a new level of existence. At last satisfied with its answers, V’Ger disappeared in a blinding flash of white light, leaving Admiral James T. Kirk, Commander Spock and Dr. Leonard McCoy of the Enterprise to discuss the possibility that they had just created a new lifeform made of V’Ger’s logic and of Humanity’s ability to feel and to believe. What V’Ger evolved into remains unknown to this day. (Star Trek: The Motion Picture)

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*A Moment of Your Time?

*A Moment of Your Time*

Perfectly on time, in and out, each has its own time,
As we arrive at a moment, it departs; a moment waits for no one.
It carried a gift for you; did you drink it in, or blink? It’s gone!!

I confess I was busy thinking in the wee hours this day, with my service dog Ben..moments only but the moments are all we really have, not yesterday or tomorrow, and that quiet sacred still time when I can just be there with it, the connection and energy is palpable!! And was intoxicating!! Not much blinking, just treasuring something better than drugs, booze, money, or even working legs and eyes!!!! If I still had my legs and eyes, would I have been feeding my soul with moments, like they were nectar of the gods? Would I appreciate moments as I do now?? Doubtful. I was always running. But instead, today, we enjoyed our time with the deer, possums, a raccoon, birds, a snake, and other creatures of the night!

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When people don’t want to discuss past events, or allow others to discuss or focus on the past, very often, their motivation is a desire to avoid facing their own void or, to barricade and insulate themselves from inconvenient truths.

Fearing consequences from these truths, in an attempt to deflect or discredit what threatens them, or if they are simply opting for “ignorance as bliss”, hoping and believing that the cliché is true because they want it to be true, they claim to what feel safe to them, whether it is or not.

They may say, let’s not dredge up the past, or what’s done is done and can’t be changed. In the psych world, they would blame the patient for ruminating, or worse, when confronted with an inconvenient truth, they more often would stick some pejorative diagnosis on the speaker, so as to discredit them and after that, no one would listen to them or believe them.

Now this is a situation that is motivated purely by self-interest, not from care or concern for a patient, or a desire to discover the truth, or to help anyone except themselves. Also called a conflict of interest. I’m that can be a very inconvenient truth. The particulars may, in some cases, be that they have taken possession of an innocent victim’s person in the first place–a kidnapping under the guise of protective treatment.

Even when the crime is known, very often most involved will fall back on a preference that the victim accept, silently, that what’s done is done. Well that may be convenient for the sensibilities of the general population and those involved in the crime, yes only intensifies the harm done to the victim, and could very well determine their very futures forever.

From this, there will be no lessons learned, no action will be taken, to change to prevent future similar outcomes. These individuals in these situations who are in power are are therefore virtually bulletproof.

Temple Grandin, like myself, has lived her entire life, with most formative choices motivated by primarily fear, that formed the foundations of her life efforts and growth. When the world is constantly bombarding you from birth with its millions and quadrillions of the details of truths that you cannot block out, and your gifts render you so different from others, (a la Ghost Whisperer, trying to conceal the truth of what she sees and experiences that the rest of the world does not), trying to pass for being like everyone else you are not bombarded this way, the human world can be a dangerous place, left unprotected from childhood.

Being smart enough to see all the outcome potentials, yet forced to watch the disaster scenarios play out, not only as potential outcomes modeled in your head long before the event, but now come to fruition disastrously, while being powerless to prevent it–can be agonizing, and you can either go crazy a hundred times or endlessly, or you can really learn to get your zen on, buckle up, and prepare yourself for another roller coaster ride, and ride on.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have the ability or could dumb it down on command. I get tired. I get impatient and frustrated. I just want to withdraw from all the noise. But at the end of the day I know that I am what I need to be, and it’s a good thing even if I don’t always like it, and even if others don’t always get it. So whatever the ride has in store for me next I guess I just got to ride that train, see where it takes me, and discover what I can learn from it.

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