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Archive for April, 2013

I really hate ever being forced to give in to collapse, even in the most difficult times. I’m one who usually sees a glass 2/3 full in any challenged situation no matter how bleak it may seem but sometimes God proves like this week, that I also have human limitations on seeing the gifts in the throes of enough obstacles and illness.

I have tried to remember when I feel really bad and in bad pain or sickness or when smacking a brick wall that by stepping back, resting truly resting, recouping my strength, I can see that my rules for tough times are still truth–>facts, and the rest, the negations I feel and express are fiction stories that only express what I am feeling now, and that the best thing I can do, no matter how necessary it seems to me or pressure from others to try to force myself to try to fix it right then, it is the worst thing to do 99% of the time, and if I push too far, I will fail, one way or the other, and make things worse for myself, maybe others too. It is a bad habit that, like many adaptations, began of necessity and enabled me to survive, and do extraordinary things, that seemed impossible to do, because someone’s safety or well-being, or my desire to do the right thing to help others who were counting on me, and little time to find easier solution, or fundamental justice demanded I stand up and ignore pain, fear, weakness whatever, to make the impossible happen.

And with a clear mind now, I know that a price must be and was paid for all of those choices to force myself to keep pushing on, not heeding the signs that I was risking damage/harm if I didn’t slow down. But when there is a higher cause, something greater than myself that requires it, duty, responsibility, honor, truth, dignity, needs of others, the emotional negative fear doubt expression is blocked out entirely, as is pain for that time. The gifts that I tapp in those circumstances don’t yield to the flesh only to my driven imperatives, never without cost–some immediately felt, others greater in the fullness of time yet to be written and experienced. Some bills have now come due, yet if it was for a greater good, I hear my mental stories as good and right and see the price as reminder of the good that it did, though I am truly now paying.

Though I know certain things about balance and letting go of unhealthy imperatives even temporarily, as necessarily true, or that clearing my head will enable me to find my way through problems no matter how forever things feel at the time, recognizing that I’m depleting myself but if it’s my need or plight that needs super-human strength, perseverance, and letting go, when that has time consequences, or would cost too much and not likely to succeed, I can’t accept, acknowledge or apply these rules that I know are always true for me, whether I wish I could or not.

For a few days recently, I could mouth those truths like mantras, over and over, yet they still felt false and pointless, meaningless and no longer applicable, and so couldn’t see through my fog or believe there was a healthier way that would yield better results myself that would alleviate my despair, which is quite rare.

So now, after sleeping for all fr 5 hours (marathon for me), I now remember the other thing that is maybe the most important self-talk truth, that I’m supposed to hold fast to, in the very worst of those/these times, enabling me to accept the truth that all of it still holds true and is a greater imperative which is:

A) your survival and function IS for a cause greater than yourself. If you fail to persist how can you create a grater good? What is happening right now, can fall apart and the world will turn and you will,still be better able to turn it around best if you get distance and rest from it, even if that means things fall apart more before,they get better.

B)when I feel really the worst, I might not believe that these things are the Truth, but that is not the meaning of what I think and believe really. It is just a form of expressing my pain and fear, yet to my literal mind, I am holding to,the literal meaning because that is intuitive therefore easier for a lazy brain to think. Non-intuitive things are much harder for a brain, take more energy and effort, and when depleted, it is effortless and easiest to fall back on habits, and then the brain renders maladaptive what was, in some situations, adaptive and effective at the time. To think actively of accepting and following the imperatives for self-preservation is a very difficult task, and not intuitive. despite kmowing intellectually that sometimes to solve a problem you have to leave it, the stakes and pressures from without and within that push me in the opposite direction, and there are consequences for letting go and backing off a problem at times, perhaps dire, if I don’t push forward, yet the alternative is more likely that options to mitigate I can’t see in the fog.

Yet internal imperatives must take priority over pulling on beyond capacity, even when there are consequences to setting aside when needed. If I am consumed now, in this moment, engulfed in fog, pain and despair, and the problem must be solved but cannot be solved just now, I must make available to me a message, generic, that can be perhaps be shared with others, like a beacon from a stranded vessel,, that I am still here, but in this state, have a problem, and imperative,there is some necessity that is demanded of me, but it is beyond my control to act as required, and ask for either a postponement for emergent reasons, or defer to others to do their best to step into my shoes in taking on certain tasks, leave what tools and info I can to enable them, and letting it go until I am more capable of taking up my sword again.

Sometimes it is stronger to give into frailty of body and mind to restore myself first. It is necessary to find solutions that will be more accessible to me, if I just STOP and let it go–through me and me through it–, and accept that my inner guide message is telling me true and still points me away from the wrong path so that I can see the right path after the fog clears.

The other messages are just a sideways way to express pain, fatigue, insecurity, fear and sickness–no more–it is deceptive, and blocks my vision, makes me disbelieve what I know is truth. The expression is not literal truth, but it is telling a different truth; it is just my body saying “I hurt, I’m sick, so I can’t think or see problems well enough to feel comforted or see that things will and always do change and get better, worse, better, come and go, like the tide.

Remember that I still tend to say, like a child, “I hate you/this/everybody,” but that’s not literally true either. I’m expressing by that, merely “I’m really upset about something so much that I can’t think of how to express that well in words. ” im a picture thinker, and under enough pressure or exhaustion or fear or pain, words fall away or fall apart. A little pain and fear can refine one’s focus, but when they are severe, they distort expression and perception. This is your absolute signal to STOP!!! Rest recoup restore regroup reconsider, then act!

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‘Network’ Analysis of the Brain May Explain Features of Autism: http://www.yaiautismcommunity.org/blog/?p=2088&noloop=1

Explains a lot for me… Why some things I can process in ways, measured and assessed by a number of experts, as extraordinary and beyond typical human potential–also called “islands of genius” – yet, I have other things that seem so easy and basic for others and they don’t even have to think about it, it’s intuitive, but will drive me into overload and meltdown, shutdown, or completely exhaust me, or takes forever –or never, for me to process. And I may not even ever notice the lack of connection of things that other people’s brains do intuitively.

Testing that was done by a pediatric neurologist when I was 11 showed that I had multiple mixed crossovers in my connectivity and dominance from head to toe functionally with no rhyme or reason or pattern to explain the mixed and non-aligned dominance features side to side. It made for a chaotic presentation they could not explain nor predict. They acknowledged they knew about the severe head trauma when I was five and the details about that, but still couldn’t explain the test results based on that alone. Of course they didn’t know that the more interesting stuff developed before I was born, of necessity and consequence, that set the stage, combined with what came after, that both saved my life when I did my humpty dumpty thingl, preventing devastating seizures, but later, became interfering gradually over time, now expanded and underlies loss of sensory function and tolerance. It’s like having this little bodyguard that’s overdoing his job, Like an adaptation that’s almost like an autoimmune disease because it’s attacking normal functions because conductivity is in small redundant connections rather than efficient ones.

Well, at least I’ve had a very interesting life, any way you shuffle that deck.. I have lived in interesting times. So who am I to complain? I was supposed to have died long before I could speak. Without that little alteration, Brenda would’ve been the first girl live birth! Lately, have had too many of the not so good days to keep a sense of humor about the downsides and the upsides and the ups and downs, But then one can’t always remembered to laugh about how ridiculously interesting one’s life is when sometimes it has crossed that tipping point of unbearable. Fortunately I do find my way back to it again and again kind of like a dolphin coming up to breathe, and find ways to enjoy the interestingness of it all for a while. Just have to remember that during the storms if I can, easy to forget it goes round– Nothing stays the same it always changes. Pray to wake up to a new day that’s easier gives a bit of respite and stay open to new things.

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This falls under “wish I’d said that!”

Life in These United States

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that that situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ―Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
 
All of us have this bad habit of looking over our shoulder…waiting for past mistakes to creep up on us…take us by surprise.  We are our own worst enemies, critical of everything we have done….even if we accomplish the greatest of feats there is still this nagging doubt that “I could’ve done better.”
 
“If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you’ve made, if they don’t realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
 
And then…

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    Every Child Has Known God

Every child has known God,
Not the God of names,
Not the God of don’ts,
Not the God who ever does Anything weird,
But the God who knows only 4 words.
And keeps repeating them, saying:
“Come Dance with Me , come dance.”

—“The Gift: Poems by Hafiz the great Sufi Master” translated by
Daniel Ladinsky

This was how I knew God since always, and how my heart still feels God’s presence, calling my heavy heart away from its burden and calling, “come dance.” The rest that is attributed to God, the names, don’ts, weirdness, confiscation –should it be in conflict with that perfect connection and bond, must be prepared to wait at the door, until they’ve reconciled themselves with the only unconditional acceptance and love that I have ever experienced and Who has never once abandoned me, then or now. This is the nature of my creation and my lifelong bond with my creator, and I trust that God does not err, though humans invariably do.

I have never needed a church or temple or mosque or any institution or any state or political power deified spokesperson to teach me that. My heart knew that before I had language. It was all I knew, and it was enough….simple and authentic. I yearn to clear away the clutter in my mind, be still, so I can hear, feel that connection, and dance again……

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That’s What Love Is. Thoughts . . ..

I get this…do you? Love thoughts….inaction or contradictory or worse betrayal….how do you make sense out of that? I may come to analyze it and understand intellectually, to a point, but relate? I try to bridge the gap, but don’t want to be touched by someone who is not authentic and love thought expressed with only symbolic acts would creep me out and drive me away.

Like hit and run visitors who do not relate to you, just do these gestures. I don’t carry that with me. I do. Put in my hands a task to do and I show love. I feel loved similarly. A hug and run with no substantive act is more like assault, a grope, an invasion. Internal states must be matched to gestures to have meaning. I feel internal states, and hurts when they don’t line up. And make me anxious, wondering what it means, if I’ve done something, missed cues, unforeseen consequences, villagers with pitchforks and torches storming the castle, or not about me at all.

Exhausting to have to catch the symbolic expressions, interpret behaviors on the fly, so much detail to sort out, too little time and people lie!!!

Hence I find children and simple people less stressful and “developmentally disabled” much easier to understand and more comfortable. If not, then give me the woods, the country, a farm, where life makes sense.,

 

 

 

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Kali…..
….. is my petite cat’s name. Sundeep, my son, named her when he got her as a young kitten to spare her from an impending execution. Considering the circumstances, her name, Kali, is associated with a tremendously powerful and significant namesake, which I think quite apt, if not seemingly over- expansive for this diminutive in size, yet formidable huntress, and presence inside and outside our home since she arrived many years ago. She still looks so young!!

Yet from the vantage point of Hindu sacred writings, and from real life, it is obvious to them and to me, at least, that these bodies are mere vessels for each life using them for a time, and what we see as a simple little creature from the outside is often quite illusory, so who really knows what is concealed beneath her shell? Who am I to presume to know? Is this cat something beyond her corporeal existence? Most def, IMO, but who is to say with certainty what or who she is or is not? For all I know, I may have been enjoying the company of a goddess all these years, who was quietly sharing her time with me, which would make just as much sense, given the Goddess’ special qualities relative to time, life, energy and death ;-). Whatever or whomever she is beyond the shell, she has done these things nonetheless, and more!! Gifts come to me–do I notice properly? Have I lived in gratitude? Does my “becoming” reflect expansion of my gratitude? If so, then it perhaps was not a squandered gift, and perhaps will one day expand to a fuller measure that fills up most my remaining time and thought in my shell-leaving less room for the human frailties that come from suffering, weakness and fatigue of spirit and body, betrayal, insecurity, fear, and loss. One can only hope. I tenaciously persist in hopeful ambition that Iight continue to grow and learn and evolve and rise above these cages of my life, neither accepting nor rejecting self or other, but remaining open to possibility. Time will tell…

From Wiki: Kālī (Sanskrit: काली, IPA: [kɑːliː]), also known as Kālikā (Sanskrit: कालिका), is the Hindu goddess associated with empowerment, shakti. The name Kali comes from kāla, which means black, time, death, lord of death, Shiva. Since Shiva is called Kāla—the eternal time—Kālī, his consort, also means “Time” or “Death” (as in time has come). Hence, Kāli is the Goddess of Time and Change.

Although sometimes presented as dark and violent, her earliest incarnation as a figure of annihilator of evil forces still has some influence. Various Shakta Hindu cosmologies, as well as Shākta Tantric beliefs, worship her as the ultimate reality or Brahman. She is also revered as Bhavatārini (literally “redeemer of the universe”). Comparatively recent devotional movements largely conceive Kāli as a benevolent mother goddess.

Kālī is represented as the consort of Lord Shiva, on whose body she is often seen standing. Shiva laid in path of Kali, whose foot on Shiva subdues her anger. She is time manifestation of other Hindu goddesses like Durga, Bhadrakali, Sati, Rudrani, Parvati and Chamunda. She is the foremost among the Dasa Mahavidyas, ten fierce Tantric goddesses.

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