I really hate ever being forced to give in to collapse, even in the most difficult times. I’m one who usually sees a glass 2/3 full in any challenged situation no matter how bleak it may seem but sometimes God proves like this week, that I also have human limitations on seeing the gifts in the throes of enough obstacles and illness.
I have tried to remember when I feel really bad and in bad pain or sickness or when smacking a brick wall that by stepping back, resting truly resting, recouping my strength, I can see that my rules for tough times are still truth–>facts, and the rest, the negations I feel and express are fiction stories that only express what I am feeling now, and that the best thing I can do, no matter how necessary it seems to me or pressure from others to try to force myself to try to fix it right then, it is the worst thing to do 99% of the time, and if I push too far, I will fail, one way or the other, and make things worse for myself, maybe others too. It is a bad habit that, like many adaptations, began of necessity and enabled me to survive, and do extraordinary things, that seemed impossible to do, because someone’s safety or well-being, or my desire to do the right thing to help others who were counting on me, and little time to find easier solution, or fundamental justice demanded I stand up and ignore pain, fear, weakness whatever, to make the impossible happen.
And with a clear mind now, I know that a price must be and was paid for all of those choices to force myself to keep pushing on, not heeding the signs that I was risking damage/harm if I didn’t slow down. But when there is a higher cause, something greater than myself that requires it, duty, responsibility, honor, truth, dignity, needs of others, the emotional negative fear doubt expression is blocked out entirely, as is pain for that time. The gifts that I tapp in those circumstances don’t yield to the flesh only to my driven imperatives, never without cost–some immediately felt, others greater in the fullness of time yet to be written and experienced. Some bills have now come due, yet if it was for a greater good, I hear my mental stories as good and right and see the price as reminder of the good that it did, though I am truly now paying.
Though I know certain things about balance and letting go of unhealthy imperatives even temporarily, as necessarily true, or that clearing my head will enable me to find my way through problems no matter how forever things feel at the time, recognizing that I’m depleting myself but if it’s my need or plight that needs super-human strength, perseverance, and letting go, when that has time consequences, or would cost too much and not likely to succeed, I can’t accept, acknowledge or apply these rules that I know are always true for me, whether I wish I could or not.
For a few days recently, I could mouth those truths like mantras, over and over, yet they still felt false and pointless, meaningless and no longer applicable, and so couldn’t see through my fog or believe there was a healthier way that would yield better results myself that would alleviate my despair, which is quite rare.
So now, after sleeping for all fr 5 hours (marathon for me), I now remember the other thing that is maybe the most important self-talk truth, that I’m supposed to hold fast to, in the very worst of those/these times, enabling me to accept the truth that all of it still holds true and is a greater imperative which is:
A) your survival and function IS for a cause greater than yourself. If you fail to persist how can you create a grater good? What is happening right now, can fall apart and the world will turn and you will,still be better able to turn it around best if you get distance and rest from it, even if that means things fall apart more before,they get better.
B)when I feel really the worst, I might not believe that these things are the Truth, but that is not the meaning of what I think and believe really. It is just a form of expressing my pain and fear, yet to my literal mind, I am holding to,the literal meaning because that is intuitive therefore easier for a lazy brain to think. Non-intuitive things are much harder for a brain, take more energy and effort, and when depleted, it is effortless and easiest to fall back on habits, and then the brain renders maladaptive what was, in some situations, adaptive and effective at the time. To think actively of accepting and following the imperatives for self-preservation is a very difficult task, and not intuitive. despite kmowing intellectually that sometimes to solve a problem you have to leave it, the stakes and pressures from without and within that push me in the opposite direction, and there are consequences for letting go and backing off a problem at times, perhaps dire, if I don’t push forward, yet the alternative is more likely that options to mitigate I can’t see in the fog.
Yet internal imperatives must take priority over pulling on beyond capacity, even when there are consequences to setting aside when needed. If I am consumed now, in this moment, engulfed in fog, pain and despair, and the problem must be solved but cannot be solved just now, I must make available to me a message, generic, that can be perhaps be shared with others, like a beacon from a stranded vessel,, that I am still here, but in this state, have a problem, and imperative,there is some necessity that is demanded of me, but it is beyond my control to act as required, and ask for either a postponement for emergent reasons, or defer to others to do their best to step into my shoes in taking on certain tasks, leave what tools and info I can to enable them, and letting it go until I am more capable of taking up my sword again.
Sometimes it is stronger to give into frailty of body and mind to restore myself first. It is necessary to find solutions that will be more accessible to me, if I just STOP and let it go–through me and me through it–, and accept that my inner guide message is telling me true and still points me away from the wrong path so that I can see the right path after the fog clears.
The other messages are just a sideways way to express pain, fatigue, insecurity, fear and sickness–no more–it is deceptive, and blocks my vision, makes me disbelieve what I know is truth. The expression is not literal truth, but it is telling a different truth; it is just my body saying “I hurt, I’m sick, so I can’t think or see problems well enough to feel comforted or see that things will and always do change and get better, worse, better, come and go, like the tide.
Remember that I still tend to say, like a child, “I hate you/this/everybody,” but that’s not literally true either. I’m expressing by that, merely “I’m really upset about something so much that I can’t think of how to express that well in words. ” im a picture thinker, and under enough pressure or exhaustion or fear or pain, words fall away or fall apart. A little pain and fear can refine one’s focus, but when they are severe, they distort expression and perception. This is your absolute signal to STOP!!! Rest recoup restore regroup reconsider, then act!
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